We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
