somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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