Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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