I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
