A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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