Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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