Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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