I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
