i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
