Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize