my vag is so smooth its legendary
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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