Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
