once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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