we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i think im in europe. pls send help
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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