I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
