You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i wish my penis had a tongue
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
