Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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