I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
