i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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