im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
