I love black thongs
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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