She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
