Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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