Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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