I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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