Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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