Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
