You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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