I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
