Kiss
Puke
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
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