Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Randomize
