I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
