I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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