the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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