I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Randomize
