Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
