I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
