she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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