Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
