i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Drake has all the answers
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
