the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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