matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
