Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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