i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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