I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize
