Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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