I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My friends, they love my intelligence
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
