So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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