haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
