last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
