i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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