i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
porn star boner night. come get it.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
