this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
We need to get me chipped asap
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
