i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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