I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
