I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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