I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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