i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
