Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
