The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Barsexuality is the new black.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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